TW - Eating Disorder is Mentioned
The way that 'fat' slid so loosely out of a 5-year old kid, directing it to another kid (myself) made my heart sink. During the my elementary school years, I found myself unaware of my body image. Of course as a 5-year old through an 8-year old, your body image isn't your main focus in life. But unfortunately the kids who used to call me out for being a bit chubbier than others, made my the image of body take a toll on the upcoming years of my life.
Since I was about 9-10 years old, I began to see how my body was changing. It began changing ways that some would say 'becoming a woman' But as I mentioned previously it's harmful to think of your body image at such a young age. I remember thinking to myself 'maybe you should cut off all your favorite foods' I would purposing eat 'healthy' just so people could stop commenting on my body image.
But what I didn't realize what they throughout the years of my body image struggles, I was really seeking validation from others who knew practically nothing of me. But this realization didn't come to me until after the summer of my sophomore year in high school. During high school, I purposely starved myself and obsessed over the calories I was consuming a day. And if I consumed too many that day, I would spend the whole week feeling guilty about it. I cut off each and every one of my favorite foods, without the knowledge that I could've just ate in moderation.
My brother continuously saw my struggle I faced daily with food. He told me to explain to him the reasons as to why I decided to starve myself and lose the weight. When telling him, I came to the realization that I was trying so hard to lose weight was because I needed validation from others. I was doing it for their pleasure not mine.
I was proving to them that they were right, that my weight defines me. I then began to examine my body and instead of pointing out every flaw. Every day I pointed out small things that I love about myself. While brushing my teeth I would look in the mirror and tell myself "you are beautiful, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise" Although I didn't believe, I would say it as a manifestation.
This slowly helped me believe every word I would tell myself. I began to walk in confidence, speak of myself wonderfully, and never allowed anyone to affect the way I look at myself. But it is definitely easier said than done. It took long years for me to be fully confident in myself.
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